Disambiguation

Disambiguation

nsfwhumor:

[channelate]

(Source: nsfwhumor)

(Source: smoothjamsandtoast)

(via deslocado)

Changes

Things haven’t exactly gone the way I thought they were going to go the last time I blogged.

That boy, that crazy boy that made me feel and do crazy things because he was one of the best people I’ve ever made out with … he’s out of the picture. Basically. We had a few very nice dates. Then he never called me back. Then he finally texted me to wish me Happy Birthday, explain that he’d been working a lot, see how I’d been doing, and tell me that his phone had recently broken so he’d spent a while trying to get all his contacts and shit back. That was all fine and dandy.

But in the month-or-so when he didn’t text me, I got pretty comfortable with another FWB from this summer. By that I mean, we’re dating. Which is nice. Sometimes I regret it, because honestly, the first guy was my first choice. But sometimes, I like it a lot. I do like him. Not in that heart-stopping, roller-coaster-of-emotion, I-can’t-wait-to-see-you-naked kind of way, but in a very different sense. Comfortable is really the only way I can think of describing it. It’s nice, not being on the emotional roller-coaster. It’s really nice. He’s really nice. He gives me foot-massages and makes me food and picks me up from parties at 3 in the morning when I’m way too drunk to drive. It’s going well.

I’m still complete shit at relationships, and a mildly terrible person, but it seems like he’s okay with that. At least for now.

No Strings Attached

My recent FWB and I are now dating. I like it, it’s nice. I like him. But he’s on this, “I don’t want this to be about sex,” kick to prove he’s interested in me, and I’m starting to miss the benefits.

Waiting

A week ago, I got that boy that I’ve been liking all summer drunk. Not for the first time, but to the greatest extent of continued functionality. (I.E. That level of drunk where you’re really fucking drunk, but have somehow managed to escape the pass-out route, and are left awake and fully functional, with the mind of a devastatingly drunken person.)

Drunk-me kicked drunk-him’s ass at beer pong. Drunk-us got in a fight. Drunk-us had that talk. You know, the “are we just FWBs, or is the continued hook-up thing due to something else, how much do you care that I kind of care about how much you care” conversation. Drunk-him told me he loved my laugh and that I terrify him. Drunk-me told him that he’s one of my favorite people to be around. Drunk-him took me home where drunk-us went to sleep with his arms wrapped around me. Hungover-him let my lay in his lap and watched Fight Club with hungover-me.

A few days later, sober-me decided to ask sober-him what all of this drunk-us business was about. Sober-him backed up drunk-him; “the drunk mouth speaks a sober heart”. Sober-me agreed.

Now I don’t know what to do. We haven’t really moved forth since then. Actually, I haven’t even seen him since then. Not that I’m mad at him (though, maybe he’s mad at me?), but I just, don’t know what to say. I don’t know what changes. I don’t know if anything changes.

I’m terrified of relationships. He’s terrified of commitment. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, he has no clue what he’s doing in life. Neither of us likes the idea of jumping into something that is going to be hard. Neither of us knows if we know how to do that.

Sometimes I feel like drunk-me is the only lover I have left.

I am really, really good at hook-ups. I’m good at flirting. I’m good at flings. But, for some reason, I can’t stand the thought of a relationship.

Actually, I know the exact reason. I am not ready to put my heart into someone else’s hands and trust them not to drop it, again. I am not ready to rearrange my life plans to compensate another human being, again. I’m not ready to let my heart be possessed or broken again. I am not. I’m not ready.

But, for him, I wish I was.
We would be brilliant.
And I hope someday we are.
But today, I am not ready.

To Tumblr Again?

Camp is finally over.
I actually have internet.

I think I’m going to begin doing this again.

It was always quite enjoyable.